Category Archives: miscellaneous matters

the required r and r.

26 Wednesday Jun 2013

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the required r and r.i haven’t had a vacation in a long time…

so i think it’s safe to say that i am going a little bit stir crazy.

actually, a lot of bit.

the last time i went anywhere that could be considered “out of town” was approximately 10 months ago…

and it felt more like running around in a different state than it did relaxing in one.

so i have begun to unhealthily spend my days perusing an infinite portion of sites, pictures and articles that display anything holiday-esque in order to gain some momentary sanity…

because if i don’t take a timeout soon, i might just lose my shit.

i have worked consistently since the age of 15…

from part-time jobs to full-time employment, i have unfailingly managed to have some sort of paid obligation that i needed to show up for every day.

and after 14 years of this steadfast loyalty, i think i am entitled to say, “look, i’m just fucking tired”…

or maybe even, exhausted.

but because of my unwavering work ethic, i actually feel a sense of guilt when i don’t show up to my regular routine…

and i am getting pa–retty sick of it.

the longest i was ever unemployed for, from that age until now, was a little less than two months…

and i think i hit some sort of slight depression then.

because as much as i can sit here and complain about my tedious day-to-day tasks, i know that i am the type of person who can never not hold a paying position…

my level of independence has become dependent on my paychecks.

but even with that being said, i deserve a goddamn break.

and not anything touristy either…

something that allows me to sleep in and wake up only to spend some more time snoozing under the sun…

on a secluded tropical little beach…

with a cliché umbrella-d cocktail in my hand…

and an obligatory photo opportunity of only my knees and the ocean horizon in the frame.

because as of right now, my daily grind is doing nothing more than grinding my gears…

and i desperately need a lengthy sabbatical before i dangerously snap.

calgon, take me away!

the spring in my step.

26 Tuesday Mar 2013

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the spring in my step.if you have been unable to tell up until this point, primarily from my 11-letter first name which means “A Grain of Sugar”, i am Persian (like the cat – meow)…

and although i am not necessarily religious, i take great pride in being a halfsie (half Muslim/half Zoroastrian).

with that being said, my favorite holiday in all of my immortal being (and really the only one that my entire family celebrates) is Persian New Year.

most commonly known as Nowrūz which translates to New Day, our New Year is observed on the first day of spring, seeing as how the beginning of the Persian Calendar falls on the Northward equinox between March 19th and 21st.

honestly, all that means to me is a chance to start over again, approximately two and a half months after the universally distinguished kickoff of the Civil Year on January 1st…

and in my opinion, i think that makes me pretty fortunate.

as is customary with the commencement of a new year, i make a mental/verbal/written list of all of my hope-to-stick-to ‘Resolutions’ sometime in January, (which i conveniently made into a “To Do List” and shared with the avid readers of my blog on January 24th of this year)…

and since i have yet to keep up with any of them (as is also habitual, i suppose), i genuinely feel like PNY is my second chance in as many months to unquestionably lock down and make them happen.

therefore i would just like to take a moment to not only wish my fellow Persians and also my Non-Persians alike, a superbly Happy and Healthy 1392…

but to additionally pose a friendly reminder to vivify whatever promises you made to yourself in order to begin anew.

may the fire you built on Chahārshanbe-Sūri take your sickness, problems and paleness away, and in turn provide you and your loved ones with warmth, euphoria and energy…

SALEH NOU MOBARAK!

the daylight saving crime.

12 Tuesday Mar 2013

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the daylight saving crime.i feel like Daylight Saving Time is actually ruining my life.

i spent an unusually lengthy moment dwelling on this topic this past Sunday as i was once again changing the clock in my car and watching an hour of my existence devastatingly vanish before my eyes.

i would say it was a couple of hours, but really after the time changed i have no idea how many minutes were truly expended…

and that right there was the be-all and end-all for me.

for those charming little states that are unaffected by this torturous practice, (i am looking at you Arizona and Hawaii), let me quickly explain what “DST” is:

IT. IS. HORRIBLE!

we lose an hour near the beginning of spring, and then gain it back during autumn.

but usually this seems to occur at the exact moment when my sleep cycle has finally adjusted to the change…

and since resting is probably my favorite hobby in life, i tend to become alarmingly more irritable during its first appearance in the year.

moreover, it has rendered me to inquire about a number of things that i feel are kind of “time-sensitive”, if you will:

1. How is this affecting my birth control?

2. Why doesn’t anybody care about my slumber patterns?

3. Where does that hour really go though?

4. When will this madness end?

5. What were to happen if i flew into Hawaii right as the clocks were changing?

and maybe the most important question of all…

6. Who is the annoying little bastard who thought it would be cute to start saying “Spring Forward” and “Fall Back”?!

everything is just bullshit…

i need a fucking nap.

the unresolved resolutions.

24 Thursday Jan 2013

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the unresolved resolutions.i have been thinking a lot about resolutions…

probably because it is still January and even though we are nearing the end of the month, some people have yet to stop wishing me a “Happy New Year”.

needless to say, it’s been on my mind…

now, i don’t usually make these types of bold declarations because let’s be honest, who actually keeps up with their broken promises anywhere after the second week of any given new year?

however, despite my loads of negativity, i have decided that maybe this time i would resolute to do some things that are not so cliché (i.e. eat better – which i plan to do), daunting (i.e. lose weight – which i plan to do… again) and typical (i.e. enjoy life more – which i plan to do… once i’m rich).

but in order to be successful in my endeavor, i have chosen to simply call this a “To Do List” (with a 365 day deadline)…

therefore, here are some things i would like to accomplish in 2013:

  • receive a massage once every two months
  • also maybe, throw in a few facials
  • quit being fake nice to people i genuinely dislike, and simply start ignoring them
  • learn how to ride a bicycle
  • develop an actual savings account
  • drink more tea
  • perhaps try to halt my cyber stalking
  • trust in the process of life
  • possibly post my first picture on Instagram for the 260+ followers that i don’t understand why i have
  • get engaged
  • or at least, maybe begin planning a potential wedding for when i do
  • prevent myself from telling everyone that i will stab them in the face if they don’t do what i say
  • take a tropical vacation
  • tone down the fucking cussing
  • stop thinking i know anything about making my own juice cleanses
  • invest in candles
  • put myself on a 15 minute time out every day just to relax and regroup
  • when in doubt, smile
  • find a job where management respects their employees
  • or better yet, become my own boss

but most importantly, i need to learn to realize that although misery loves company, so does happiness…

so i want to just be happy.

with that being said, i am ready to grab 2013 by its lopsided little balls and show it that i mean fucking business!

24 days down, 341 more to go…

the completion of the beginning.

27 Thursday Dec 2012

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the completion of the beginning.in January of this year, i finally decided to start a blog…

it came after years and years of coaxing amidst threats from my devoted friends and dedicated fans, who were constantly being subjected to my ramblings, musings and epiphanies on Facebook and MySpace.

so i arranged to stop putting off what i had always been too lazy to do…

and after a month of working on the little details that drive my OCD into a raging frenzy, i chose to debut my site when the date (1/2/12) and the time (12:12) somehow mirrored one another.

but before i published my first piece, i made a tiny resolution:

i told myself that i would post at least twice a month and allow for a one month hiatus when i was either too busy to think or when writer’s block had wreaked havoc on my fragile little brain.

surprisingly, almost one year later, i have managed to keep up with that promise that i secretly made to myself…

and that right there has set the premise for the new year that we are about to embark on in these subsequent five days.

therefore, i am going to keep this last post of 2012 as short (5’3”) and as sweet (shekardaneh means “a grain of sugar”) as myself…

thank you to my 1100+ followers for supporting me and permitting my extraneous remarks to find life in your everyday hodgepodge.

although i would still force myself to write on here even without all of you present, it is so much more heartwarming to know that i actually have an audience instead of just talking to myself.

so i appreciate your sanction…

and your time…

and just you.

i wish you a glittering new year’s eve…

and look forward to further corrupting you in 2013.

bonne année et bonne santé!

the end of the world as we know it.

20 Thursday Dec 2012

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the end of the world as we know it.so the word on Gullible Street is that the world is supposed to end tomorrow…

which is totally fine with me, because at this point, i could really use the rest.

and although i do not typically believe in that sort of balderdash and nonsense, on the off-chance that we all do internally combust on 12/21/12 and receive our designated seats in whatever is waiting for us in our afterlife, i have decided to take this once in a Mayan lifetime opportunity to say everything i have longed to say about just about everybody that i have ever met…

or have not yet met…

or just know in passing…

or possibly not at all.

rest assured that these statements are indeed directed towards certain people, and if it just so happens that it sounds like it is about you, it probably is.

Shekardaneh’s Unsought Surmise:

–          i have become indifferent towards you, but i still believe that your existence is unnecessary.

–          i am glad that you grew up and stopped being a bitch.

–          you are a complete dirt-bag for what you did at your bachelor party.

–          your breath always fucking smelled like you ate nothing other than shit sandwiches your entire life.

–          your lack of affection is disheartening.

–          i am glad that you are even more insane than i am.

–          the amount of risks you take are unhealthy, and your boyfriend is using you.

–          i think you are obnoxious and way too much to handle and honestly, i still do not see why so many people find you charming.

–          you should probably just tell him that you are no longer in love with him.

–          i worry that you might actually be depressed.

–          i regret that night.

–          you think waaaay too highly of yourself and you’re cheap.

–          you hold the key to my future, and you might be the death of me.

–          i love your style and i want your closet.

–          i still live in fear of running into you again.

–          you need to get your teeth fixed, like immediately.

–          i am not convinced that you stopped cheating after you got married.

–          you are beyond spoiled and i sometimes resent you.

–          you set the foundation for every future relationship, and i am forever grateful for the weight you lifted off of my heart.

–          sometimes i don’t want to hang out with you because i feel like you have dental plaque.

–          use some fucking concealer on the dark circles under your eyes.

–          you are the epitome of a deadbeat dad.

–          i would not mind one bit if you actually did die tomorrow.

–          your intentions are unclear and i do not for one second trust you, dumb whore.

–          you are a million years old and still the biggest pushover in the world.

–          i secretly hold a grudge against you for not believing me.

–          i sincerely think you could be a rapist, and for the record, it was small.

–          but i really have no idea who you are.

–          you are way too old to just be figuring out what love is, and you should consider getting tested for mental illness.

–          i would have.

–          i do not understand how you are involved in that group of friends seeing as how you’re not a cunt.

–          you keep me sane and endure my crazy better than anybody i know.

–          thank you for always picking up the tab after our emotional alcohol-induced therapy sessions.

–          you did not deserve the family you were dealt.

–          you have become too spiritual, so how about you tone down the hippie.

–          i don’t understand what happened, but i guess you are a pussy-whipped little bitch.

–          you dress like a cowboy, FOB.

–          maybe you should eat more.

–          your jokes are not always humorous, and i cannot keep up this fake laughter.

–          you seem really stuck-up and it is not even warranted.

–          obviously, you will never do better, ever.

–          i kind of feel sorry for you.

–          you look like the skeleton from those anti-drug commercials in the 80’s.

–          your head looks weird now that you are skinny.

–          i don’t understand how you’re engaged when you are batshit crazy and possibly, chronically depressed.

–          you seem sweet, but i dread seeing you.

–          your speaking voice is absolutely horrendous, and i wish you would get laryngitis.

–          i would literally die without you.

–          you are a fucking fool and we talk shit about you behind your back.

–          your nose job did nothing to improve your face.

–          i cannot fucking stand your dad.

–          please shave the hair under your eyes and in your ears.

–          you have gained a ton of weight.

–          i genuinely thought you were going to kill me that night.

–          i stopped liking you after i realized you voted for Romney.

–          i don’t know why i have your phone number and i don’t know why you called me.

–          everybody knew you were a slut.

–          you’re not a model.

–          you weigh approximately 90 pounds and nobody likes you because you are a piece of garbage, and also maybe because you have the poundage of a child.

–          you became a lesbian for attention.

–          your strength is commendable.

–          you are kind of annoying and needy, but i love that you are always available to hang out.

–          i am pretty sure you are in love with me, but no thanks.

–          you are one of my favorite people and i will never have a bad thing to say about you.

–          i can’t eat around you because you disgust me.

–          your choices in women are alarming.

–          i can’t even conceive how so many people dated you when you kissed like a dying lizard.

–          stop being secretive about stupid fucking shit.

–          you are a gem.

–          oh my god, not everything is about you.

–          you are a man, gurrrrl.

–          i want to spend the rest of my life with you, because you are and forever will be the most amazing thing to have ever happened to me.

PHEW!

see you at the crossroads!

the jive turkey.

21 Wednesday Nov 2012

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last year, only mere moments after indulging in gratuitous amounts of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, dinner rolls and a thick slice of pumpkin pie cloaked under a mountain of whipped cream, i laid in my bed and rightly began to contemplate all of the things that i was thankful for in 2011…

i pulled out my iPhone, opened a new “note” on my personal Facebook page and proceeded to jot down this seemingly generic list of appreciation right before the tryptophan kicked in and sent me to a waistband-expanded, dream-like state.

coincidentally, it was also the last “note” i ever posted onto my Facebook, seeing as how shekardaneh.com was developed just two months later…

needless to say, i decided that in keeping up with this tradition that i created for myself, i would maybe change it up a bit this year and express my gratitude for some of the less obvious people, places and things that are present in my life…

and don’t worry; if you made it onto my manifesto last year, i haven’t quit you cold turkey just yet.

so without further ado, here are my 2012 thankfulities!

i am thankful for…

  • making up my own words (see, thankfulities)
  • foggy windows
  • personalized anything
  • chewing gum
  • the venti option at Starbucks
  • iBooks
  • sneezing and “bless you’s”
  • the lingering of delicious cologne/perfume as someone walks past you
  • floss
  • Hello Kitty Chia Pet
  • hips that don’t lie
  • junk emails
  • Susan fucking Miller
  • wet wipes
  • treble and bass clefs
  • *69
  • being referred to as “trouble”
  • Target
  • Hulu Plus and Netflix
  • my nail lady
  • napkins (cuz i just spilled coffee all over myself)
  • cheesy french fries
  • warm breath
  • creative freedom
  • eating Honey Bunches of Oats at any time of the day
  • wish lists
  • receiving invitations the old fashioned way
  • Obama
  • full voicemails
  • laser hair removal
  • hot yoga
  • Dr. Steve Brule
  • people who actually read my ramblings
  • pulling out wedgies
  • unicorns
  • smooth skin
  • saving room for dessert
  • the month of April
  • matching bras and panties
  • sidewalk chalk and bubbles
  • iMessage (when it actually works)
  • being lactose tolerant
  • autocorrect never being even close
  • knowing exactly when to expect my period
  • Shazam-ing a song during a movie
  • staycations
  • courtesy flushes
  • dandelions
  • weird news
  • myself

but mostly, i am thankful for my unique name…

because if it were any typical moniker, i would have one hell of a time securing a domain!

happy thanksgiving, my little pecan pies…

hopefully your turkey isn’t as dry as your personality!

the antagonizing associate.

27 Thursday Sep 2012

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quite recently, i have noticed that there has been a massive increase in publicizing the topic of “bullying”, due to the wonderful efforts exuded by persons of celebrity…

an issue that has plagued our tender footed adolescents for generations.

having been a victim of it, and also having been the committer in some unfortunate circumstances, i realize the importance of bringing this issue to the forefront of major media matters…

and because these situations have become so popular and so grave, they can no longer be simplified as “kids being kids”, seeing as how they do not only reside on playgrounds, but have managed to find their way into our computers, our homes, and more significantly, our work places.

for a considerable amount of this past year, i was holding daily conversations with someone immensely close to me, who was caught in a whirlwind of tormenting from a fellow colleague…

and it became so much of a problem that this person was not only in absolute tears to and from work, but was also terrified of unknowingly doing something wrong for fear of the backlash it would cause.

and that made me fucking volatile!

the average person spends anywhere between eight to nine hours a day, and upwards of 40 or so hours per week at their designated workplace…

and if said workplace includes other inhabitants/coworkers, then typically there are bound to be moments when certain people for whatever reason, may not get along…

and that is completely normal.

but when someone is purposely and ruthlessly going after another individual for no particular reason, and conspiring to make that person’s life a living hell, then it has surpassed the regular realm of simply choosing to not deal with one another, and feverishly made its way to harassment…

and that shit is just not okay.

if your life is so goddamn miserable that the only way you can cope is by setting out to ruin someone else’s, then you have another thing coming…

and that “thing” can be veer anywhere between karma to lawsuits.

as we were taught by our loving parent’s way before ever stepping foot onto our first schoolyard, “if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, don’t say anything at all”…

so kindly shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch.

the old age adage.

31 Friday Aug 2012

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recently, i have been dwelling a lot over “age”.

you know, our period of animate existence…

this isn’t because i myself am slowly but surely creeping up towards the end of my terrific/terrifying twenties and loosely high-fiving my dirty thirties…

but it is mostly on the grounds that i have been noticing less and less people actually accepting their maturity, and incontestably hiding from it.

at my current 28 years of subsistence, i have managed to still look almost identical to how i was when i resided in my teenage years (knock on wood)…

well, minus a few pounds (abundance) here and there.

actually, come to think of it, if you were to look at pictures of me in my infancy, i creepily have only grown taller (slightly)…

so i guess in a way this has been the reason why i allow myself to wear certain outfits that would perhaps place me in the “mid-20’s” category…

but nothing age inappropriate, of course.

so how is it that gobs of women, generously older than me, have granted themselves permission to dress like adolescent hoe-bags?

i noticed this heinous epidemic first-hand once again, just last week…

i was at a bar with a couple of besties/coworkers and while we were enjoying our third-ish drink, a woman walked in whom (from the back) could have easily passed for someone in their 30’s.

super tight skinny jeans (no ass), skimpy (mid-riff baring) wife beater and platform sandals (crusty toes)…

and then she made the awful mistake of turning around and exposing us to her face…

her wrinkled, saggy neck containing, face.

this, mind you, was not even the worst of it…

this woman, who was clearly well into her 60’s, had the audacity to sport FEATHERS IN HER HAIR!

now i have never really caught on to this dead-bird-in-your-hair trend, but it might mayyyybe be cute if you’re a youngster who is simply trying to follow in the foot-steps of their favorite teeny-bopper…

but when you’re fucking anywhere near, or in this case, past your mid-life, then you have a lot of nerve to even think that that’s okay!

this is concerning.

i was alarmingly worried for her…

like, what happens when she goes home (alone), removes that embarrassing façade, and has to come to terms with the fact that she’s actually 40+ years older than she was attempting to present herself as?

and to make matters even more awful, as she was shamelessly flirting with a semi-younger fellow, her entourage of geriatrics showed up…

unlike her, her Betty White-esque cohorts actually dressed their age, which only added to my mortification for her.

i get it…

getting older is not something that normal people have an easy time welcoming.

which is fine.

but trying to conceal the inevitable by dressing ridiculously should not be a solution either…

get your shit together, ladies!

the introduction.

06 Friday Jan 2012

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there are numerous ways that people introduce themselves:

an awkward wave.

a firm handshake.

a friendly smile.

one kiss on this cheek, one kiss on the other.

a warm hug followed by a slight pushing off.

i’d like to introduce myself…

first and foremost, hello.

how are you?

amazingly delicious, i hope!

i’m twenty-seven years young, living in a small city in a great state.

i’m going to try to leave some things nameless…

less complicated.

more mysterious.

i suppose i’m typical…

if by “typical” i meant overtly sexual and a lover of being easily entertained.

i have my family.

i have my friends.

i have my lovers.

and i have a small interest in almost all of them.

i went to a state university and received a degree in something i loathe.

and like most of my peers, i have yet to actually put it to good use…

or any use at all.

however, i am educated and disciplined and punctual and responsible and a spelling bee champion and a unique dresser and have zero concept of saving money and overall just a really insatiable catch.

so for a good time, contact me!

i’ve done many things…

few of which are honorable.

many of which are not.

almost all of which i will share.

none of which i regret.

let’s keep it simple.

let’s keep it informal.

let’s keep it confidential.

just between you and i…

my name is Shekardaneh.

hi.