Category Archives: dramatic diatribes

the natural disaster.

27 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the natural disaster.i don’t really like nature.

okay, that sounds a bit harsh…

how about, i don’t necessarily care so much for it.

is that any less uncouth?

do not get me wrong…

i am super into sunrises and sunsets and truly all of the beauty that it has to offer.

i mean, i am constantly bombarding my social media pages with pictures of it!

but i kind of just do not want to always be exposed to it, per se.

like, the sun is aggravatingly bright and blistering…

and it makes me sticky with sweat and i literally cannot even with perspiration.

then there is that annoying ass whirling wind…

it literally chaps my lips and my hide and it gets my perfectly coiffed mane all kinds of caught up in my too-expensive-to-keep-reapplying lip gloss.

and don’t evennnn get me started on dirt…

no but really, what exactly is the point of your existence?!

well besides ruining my shoes/life and somehow managing to surpass my eyelashes to lodge itself directly into my cornea.

CAN I LIVE??!!

here’s the thing…

i am 100% comfortable staying in a space that is completely sterile, sipping on a weather appropriate beverage, and just soaking up the artificial air being projected towards me via my handy-dandy built-in system.

so basicallyyyy…

Mother Nature,

#IDFWU.

the zitty zituation.

06 Friday Mar 2015

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the zitty zituation.i have a “thing” about skin…

skin care, that is.

this is not to say that i necessarily have good skin…

but i most definitely take the appropriate steps in order to make sure that i do not acquire bad skin.

of course, throughout my growth spurts (and i don’t mean height wise), i would go through some serious mental anguish over what i self-diagnosed as “acne” (which it wasn’t)…

so naturally, at the mere sign of its existence, i would cake on cover-up that was waaaay too white for my skin-tone and use products that today, i would consider absolutely diabolical.

just recently i was telling a friend of mine about a gnarly pimple that i had…

[i realize that this sounds grossly unattractive, but let’s not pretend that i am alone in this cogitation… we all get them.]

anyway, this zit (i hate that word) had disrupted my usual flow of well, not getting them…

and the worst part of it all was that it spent a gooood portion of time just sort of relaxing and basically vacationing underneath my skin (probably with a flipping Mai Tai and everything).

after about four days of its annoying inhabitation, i became increasingly impatient!

how is it that it had almost been a week and this ungodly excrescence had yet to come to a head?

like, what in the actual fuck was it waiting for?!

so, i decided to do what any “sane” person would…

i settled on coaxing it out.

i began with some reasoning and gentle persuasion…

“hey you… you crazy little blemish. whatchya’ doin’ in there?”

that attempt was futile.

then i became pretty irrational and characteristically petulant…

“look man… i know you’re in there. you can come out now!”

that too fell on deaf ears.

so after many unsuccessful conversations with myself and this atrocious monster, and having almost finished an entire tube of concealer on literally just one spot, i have come to finally accept this lovely lady lump as a part of my life now…

going to go and submit it for The Guinness World Records…

pray for me.

the belated blastoff.

27 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the belated blastoff.i tried really hard not to do this, this year…

i told myself numerous times that it never works and it really is quite inane.

but since i rarely listen to anyone, let alone myself, here i am right smack dab in the middle/end of it…

and it’s essentially too late to pull out now…

plus, quitting is for losers and quite frankly, i have enough offensive jargon being thrown in my general direction, as is.

typically, i like to make these bold annual assertions during the normal time-frame like most people do…

but this month came at me rather quickly and i am still finding myself playing catch-up.

wait, actually, you know what?

i’m not going to do it…

yeah, fuck it.

you see, i already have enough shit on my plate as is, so it seems a little ridiculous of me to assume that i can take on anything more…

it’s not to say that i can’t, should it come up…

but i am most definitely not going to force it.

maybe the celestial configuration is helping me to accept things at a more realistic level!

too out there?

(see what i did there?!)

so i guess there’s that…

my only resolution for 2015 is going to be to not have any resolutions!

ain’t nobody got time fah thaaaat!

so go on with your bad selves…

i’m just going to grab some popcorn and watch the rest of you hopefully fail, so that i don’t feel quite as bad.

i meaaaan, xxoo…

and happy belated new year, babies!

the bawler on a budget.

30 Friday May 2014

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the bawler on a budget.there are very few words that i dislike…

being a writer (read: blogger), i am grateful for the abundance of words that are available to me.

and being bilingual makes my appreciation double in size…

but one word that i simply cannot get behind is the “B” word.

and it’s not the one that i have been called numerous times in fits of anger and annoyance…

or even sometimes during moments of enjoyment and exhilaration…

it’s the one that contains two detestable syllables, two revolting vowels, and promptly sends me into a complete tailspin (see: anxiety attack) whenever it is uttered anywhere near my general direction, proximity or vicinity…

and that word is none other than:

BUDGET!

if there is one thing i take remarkably uncalled-for pride in, it is being able to spend my entire paycheck before it even clears via direct deposit…

i mean, i am insanely good at this!

it is one of the few talents i have that i hold very close to my heart…

and wallet.

however, as of late i have begun to notice the backlash that these kinds of irresponsible actions are having…

and i must say, i am in no way pleased by the consequences.

you see, i detest when people say that they are unable to do things or partake in certain activities because they are “broke”…

another ‘B’ word that physically pains me to hear.

at some point, i assume that it has to become an embarrassing excuse to verbalize…

and since i believe that the last time i myself had to use that explanation for missing out on something was sometime around five or six years ago, i really have to get my ass into gear in order to avoid it altogether…

but saving money is soooo hard!

and all of these apps and spreadsheets that are dedicated to aggregating my funds or telling me who, what, when, where, why and how all of my money is allocated, are doing nothing more for me than reminding me of what i already know…

i am quite aware that i have spent well over X amount of dollars on shopping in the last BLANK months…

seriously, why else would my closet look as though it is constantly upchucking?!

but honestly, how do all of these people do it?

i guess my reality check lies in the superpowers of my karmic credit and debit cards…

i just hope to become the hero in this story…

Bam! Pow! Crash! Splat! Kerplunk!

the negative nancy.

21 Friday Feb 2014

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the negative nancy.i am not typically a very positive person…

to be completely honest, i find those types of people to be extremely annoying…

i mean, there has to be something wrong with them, right?

and i suppose the same could be said about how affirmative people look at say, someone like me…

a person who is maybe a tad more balanced on the emotional spectrum…

kind of, not really?

but how is it that some individuals are constantly content with their everyday lives even if their reality is no more than mundane and routine?

and i am not even trying to be a bitch about it…

i am really just attempting to understand it.

i don’t know if most folks are like me, but i habitually walk around with a cynical and sarcastic attitude…

it is not that i am dissatisfied or ungrateful…

i kind of just don’t care and then tend to care a little too much simultaneously.

it is indifference at its best…

and whenever i want to sort of be ‘upset’ or “woe is me – can somebody please call me the WAHmbulance” about life, those types of people are the absolute hardest to talk to.

look, venting is a thing…

it is a mechanism i tend to gravitate towards quite often.

and it sure as hell is a lot healthier than bottling something up and then exploding into a vehement attack…

and most of the time, simply letting it out is therapeutic in itself…

so if i have had an exceptionally vexing moment or hour or a full-on day, i am not looking for someone to resolve my issue or give me words of inspiration and motivation…

i just want a listening ear so that i can freely spew out my cartridge of foul-mouthed ammunition, a la the Exorcist, and then gradually move on from it.

so even though some people will weigh out the pros more than the cons…

and claim that their cups are always half full, even though that idiom doesn’t even make sense because a cup is ALWAYS HALF FULL…

let us all just agree that being consistently complacent is numbingly neurotic, and displaying more than one type of emotion is adeptly acceptable.

everything is going to be A-OK, mmkay?!

the casual cover letter.

30 Thursday Jan 2014

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the casual cover letter.i have an exorbitant amount of free time on my hands…

and to be honest, i feel rather fortunate that even though i work nine hours a day, five days a week, that i can still find many moments to kind of just do whatever i want…

at my desk, of course.

it’s not to say that my occupation isn’t mentally stimulating…

well, it isn’t…

but still, any time i mention the kind of company i work at to someone, they become so intrigued and think, “wow, that must be interesting!”

but they are incorrect…

at least to me.

and so i started to think a lot about that…

how people are so quick to assume that because something sounds good, it must be awesome.

or how when someone simply mentions a well-known company to me, i think how lucky they are to be a part of it…

when in actuality, their job could completely suck balls and i would have no idea because i am on the outside looking in.

so why the fuck do we do that?

why does everything look so much better than what we currently have?

i have a lot.

at least that is what i am told…

and compared to many ill-fated individuals, i may seemingly have a fortune…

so believe me when i say that i am in no way ungrateful.

however, there are a number of key things that i still need in order to be satisfied, or at least fulfilled…

and in due time, i believe those too will come to fruition.

but being the complete “millennial” that i am, i don’t have the patience to wait for it…

and i most definitely do not feel that after all of this time, i still have to work towards it.

some may call that being lazy…

i just think i’m over it.

so i guess what i am trying to say is that i need a new job.

#hireme

the ungrateful gobbler.

27 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the ungrateful gobbler.this is my absolute favorite time of the year!

not because it is chilly (SoCal does not know how to be cold) and cuddling is the only sport i know how to play (snuggling and spooning constitute as competitive athleticism)…

but because layering on more clothing and wearing oversized sweaters gives me ample space to fill out a little more, if you will.

in other words, it is almost Thanksgiving and eating food is something i am exceptionally good at.

for the past couple of years, i have upheld a “tradition” of jotting down certain ‘nouns’ that i am thankful for…

two years ago, my list was pretty generic:

family, friends, significant other, etc.

last year, my list was a bit more unorthodox:

less obvious people, places, things, etc.

therefore this year, i have decided to list stuff that i am unthankful for…

because even the more annoying aspects of life deserve a dishonorable mention.

so please refer to the bullet points below, as i arrange some of the things i can really do without, in no particular order…

  • any type of smokers
  • cheapskates
  • idiots who pronounce Saturday as Sourday
  • Madonna’s veins
  • people who constantly talk about their weight when they are not even fat or overweight

(motherfuckin’shutthehellupppp)

  • perpetual laggers or even worse, ones that do not call when they are going to be late

(tsk-tsk)

  • assholes
  • folks who endlessly whine about being broke/continuously brag about their riches
  • coworkers who still come in to the office when they are deathly sick
  • individuals who cannot spell correctly/lack of punctuation in text messages
  • extremely private people who want to keep everything a secret

(you’re not mysterious, you’re creepy)

  • couples who share social media profiles

(get it together, crazies)

  • someone who is fully capable of doing something, but asks you to do it instead
  • shit sandwich breath, unkempt bathrooms and wheezing coughs
  • people who overstay their fucking welcome
  • bitches

PHEW!

of course, there is soooo much more that i could add, but i am also thankless about complainers.

anyway, enjoy your day/evening of devouring deliciousness and guzzling gluttony…

because you totally deserve it.

[eye roll]

the grim reaper.

22 Thursday Aug 2013

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the grim reaper.i’ve been thinking a lot about death recently…

and i know that that sounds insanely morbid, but it’s true.

it came about a little over a month ago…

i had a completely unwarranted panic attack while i was putting on my wrinkle cream.

well, maybe it wasn’t completely unwarranted after all…

i mean, i was using wrinkle cream.

but nonetheless, i had a moment of obscurity which then led me to fully spiral out of control…

and i became so immersed in these dark thoughts that i actually began to hyperventilate over the inevitability of dying.

i like to think of myself as a typically knowledgeable person…

i usually have an answer for everything and if i don’t, then there are endless hours of Google searches that i know i can always count on.

and while i have never really questioned the process of life, the ending of it has always plagued me with uncertainty.

i have no problem admitting that i have extreme control issues…

i need to know everything.

so not knowing exactly what the heck happens to us after we expire on earth is totally mind fucking me into oblivion…

of course there are theories on the subject at hand:

  • Afterlife
  • Heaven/Hell
  • Nirvana
  • Reincarnation/ Resurrection
  • Spiritual Self

yet most of these hypotheses have been formulated by various religious groups…

and i tend to be more secular.

but even with that being said, none of these premises have been able to calm my anxieties or aid me in better understanding my unavoidable extinction…

and they can basically just be chalked up as assumptions.

and with something as vital and inescapable as mortality, the last thing i would want is to make an ass out of you and me…

well, RIP to my sanity.

the last year of my twenties.

04 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the last year of my twenties.my twenty-ninth birthday is in exactly eleven days, so i kind of feel like being a bitch…

which to be completely honest is nothing new.

and as long as i am being truthful, twenty-nine is a really fucking ugly number…

so sorry to all of you little muffins whose lucky number is 29.

it’s a dumb number…

therefore, you’re all dumb.

i’m not saying that being born on freakin’ Tax Day has been such a joyous blessing, seeing as how all of the irresponsible slow-pokes stress out over the impending loom of April 15th…

but since it means that most of you (or your parents or maybe even someone in your family) possibly aided in the public funds the hospital used for my birth, then i think that makes me pretty damn special.

but since i am shuddering at the thought of this being the last year of my twenties, i just feel like i can spend the next twelve months being a complete brat-slash-nuisance because i can never again blame my bullshit outbursts on my “awesome adolescence” or “yummy youth”.

and i don’t give a fuck what any of you say:

30 is not the new 20.

30 is not your prime.

30 is not still young.

being 30 is hoity-toity old, so kindly kiss my ass.

anyway, i’m not thirty yet, so let’s all take a chill pill and regroup…

(also, if you are in your thirties, JK about the last five sentences!)

here’s the thing…

we have been programmed at an early age to believe that at this point in our lives we need to have everything figured out…

or at least most things.

anywhere from the age of twenty-seven and up is probably the most crucial time for us to hunker down, saddle up and get our fucking shit together…

and although i realize that every generation is different, and that my group of Generation Y dick-holes have been progressing later and later than say the Baby Boomers, i can’t help but feel as if i am falling behind even if i am right on my pre-destined track.

with that being said, this time last year, i decided to make a public birthday wish on my blog:

i wished to somehow get noticed for my writing and to maybe become published somewhere well-known…

and literally five days later, i appeared on the front page of the Huffington Post – Los Angeles with my article, “The Disbelief in Our Beliefs”.

but since this year i don’t want to push my ‘Birthday Girl Lucky Streak’, i have decided to keep my fingers/toes crossed and my mouth sealed shut as i blow out my hopefully glittery-neon candle with one of the most profoundly important wishes of my young-adulthood…

i’ll let you know how it turns out in about a year.

cakecakecakecake,

can’twaittoblowmycandlesout!

the ticking time brain.

27 Wednesday Feb 2013

Posted by in dramatic diatribes

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , ,

the ticking time brain.over-thinking will be the death of me…

i find myself constantly battling a barrage of thoughts that no matter how much i try to dodge, they somehow find a way of sneaking their annoying pint-sized asses right back into my revolving door of a brain.

of course they vary from time to time between insignificant things to more imperative ones…

but nonetheless, they are always there and i cannot seem to escape them.

just the other night i woke up at 4 AM and i literally could not stop myself from mentally writing out this post…

and it trailed along and tormented me for a full three hours until i gave up and decided to get out of bed and begin my day a little earlier.

and that is just a fucking nuisance.

i realize that i am not alone in this analysis paralysis…

there are copious amounts of people posting cute little images or adorable little sayings that deal exclusively with this mind-shattering epidemic.

it could be the biggest disease of the psyche, after all.

and as shitty luck would have it, that too has got me thinking…

if we are all so concerned about not falling into the trap of our subconscious, then how come there does not appear to be many solutions for us to learn to overcome it?

or even maybe to simply acquire a way to decrease its presence?

certainly we can tap into our spiritual beings and “Namaste” and “Om” ourselves into oblivion…

but honestly, who has that kind of time to step away in the middle of their frenetic day to concentrate on meditating?

i mean, if that’s the case, i would much rather invest in a neutralizer from Men In Black!

but alas, i am now over-thinking about over-thinking…

this cycle is vicious.