so the word on Gullible Street is that the world is supposed to end tomorrow…

which is totally fine with me, because at this point, i could really use the rest.

and although i do not typically believe in that sort of balderdash and nonsense, on the off-chance that we all do internally combust on 12/21/12 and receive our designated seats in whatever is waiting for us in our afterlife, i have decided to take this once in a Mayan lifetime opportunity to say everything i have longed to say about just about everybody that i have ever met…

or have not yet met…

or just know in passing…

or possibly not at all.

rest assured that these statements are indeed directed towards certain people, and if it just so happens that it sounds like it is about you, it probably is.

Shekardaneh’s Unsought Surmise:

–          i have become indifferent towards you, but i still believe that your existence is unnecessary.

–          i am glad that you grew up and stopped being a bitch.

–          you are a complete dirt-bag for what you did at your bachelor party.

–          your breath always fucking smelled like you ate nothing other than shit sandwiches your entire life.

–          your lack of affection is disheartening.

–          i am glad that you are even more insane than i am.

–          the amount of risks you take are unhealthy, and your boyfriend is using you.

–          i think you are obnoxious and way too much to handle and honestly, i still do not see why so many people find you charming.

–          you should probably just tell him that you are no longer in love with him.

–          i worry that you might actually be depressed.

–          i regret that night.

–          you think waaaay too highly of yourself and you’re cheap.

–          you hold the key to my future, and you might be the death of me.

–          i love your style and i want your closet.

–          i still live in fear of running into you again.

–          you need to get your teeth fixed, like immediately.

–          i am not convinced that you stopped cheating after you got married.

–          you are beyond spoiled and i sometimes resent you.

–          you set the foundation for every future relationship, and i am forever grateful for the weight you lifted off of my heart.

–          sometimes i don’t want to hang out with you because i feel like you have dental plaque.

–          use some fucking concealer on the dark circles under your eyes.

–          you are the epitome of a deadbeat dad.

–          i would not mind one bit if you actually did die tomorrow.

–          your intentions are unclear and i do not for one second trust you, dumb whore.

–          you are a million years old and still the biggest pushover in the world.

–          i secretly hold a grudge against you for not believing me.

–          i sincerely think you could be a rapist, and for the record, it was small.

–          but i really have no idea who you are.

–          you are way too old to just be figuring out what love is, and you should consider getting tested for mental illness.

–          i would have.

–          i do not understand how you are involved in that group of friends seeing as how you’re not a cunt.

–          you keep me sane and endure my crazy better than anybody i know.

–          thank you for always picking up the tab after our emotional alcohol-induced therapy sessions.

–          you did not deserve the family you were dealt.

–          you have become too spiritual, so how about you tone down the hippie.

–          i don’t understand what happened, but i guess you are a pussy-whipped little bitch.

–          you dress like a cowboy, FOB.

–          maybe you should eat more.

–          your jokes are not always humorous, and i cannot keep up this fake laughter.

–          you seem really stuck-up and it is not even warranted.

–          obviously, you will never do better, ever.

–          i kind of feel sorry for you.

–          you look like the skeleton from those anti-drug commercials in the 80’s.

–          your head looks weird now that you are skinny.

–          i don’t understand how you’re engaged when you are batshit crazy and possibly, chronically depressed.

–          you seem sweet, but i dread seeing you.

–          your speaking voice is absolutely horrendous, and i wish you would get laryngitis.

–          i would literally die without you.

–          you are a fucking fool and we talk shit about you behind your back.

–          your nose job did nothing to improve your face.

–          i cannot fucking stand your dad.

–          please shave the hair under your eyes and in your ears.

–          you have gained a ton of weight.

–          i genuinely thought you were going to kill me that night.

–          i stopped liking you after i realized you voted for Romney.

–          i don’t know why i have your phone number and i don’t know why you called me.

–          everybody knew you were a slut.

–          you’re not a model.

–          you weigh approximately 90 pounds and nobody likes you because you are a piece of garbage, and also maybe because you have the poundage of a child.

–          you became a lesbian for attention.

–          your strength is commendable.

–          you are kind of annoying and needy, but i love that you are always available to hang out.

–          i am pretty sure you are in love with me, but no thanks.

–          you are one of my favorite people and i will never have a bad thing to say about you.

–          i can’t eat around you because you disgust me.

–          your choices in women are alarming.

–          i can’t even conceive how so many people dated you when you kissed like a dying lizard.

–          stop being secretive about stupid fucking shit.

–          you are a gem.

–          oh my god, not everything is about you.

–          you are a man, gurrrrl.

–          i want to spend the rest of my life with you, because you are and forever will be the most amazing thing to have ever happened to me.

PHEW!

see you at the crossroads!