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the harmful hurter.

the other day i became alarmingly aware of something that i have allegedly and unconsciously been doing, which has set my mind in a whirlwind of perpetual motion ever since…

i was having a wonderful morning, engaging in a comical exchange of text messages and genuinely just enjoying the effortlessness of humor that was being presented to me and thus, filling my heart with euphoria…

not even a horrible fact like my being at work was able to dwindle my happiness…

and that was joyous in itself.

however, as the day progressed as it always does, i found myself slowly but surely letting go of the elation and giving into the agitation…

and as usual, it was rather unrequired.

after being engulfed under a pile of last-minute deadlines and finding no reasonable resolution to the myriad of stress i was feeling, i wrongfully began to heap every other seemingly annoying situation together with it…

because i thought, since everything else was just shit at that moment then why shouldn’t i simply keep adding more to it until i become a cluster fuck of crazy?

i mean, it seemed appropriate enough at the time…

so in that instant, i also began an unnecessary argument with someone i care insanely about and it quickly amassed to something uncontrollable…

and unbeknownst to me, i had caught the other party so off-guard that i had not only confused the fuck out of them, but i had also managed to inflict a ton of unintentional hurt.

and the worst part of it all was that i was not even conscious of what i had just done!

i was caught so far up my own ass and my feelings and how everything was affecting me that i was too blind to notice just how much i had muddled up the other persons spirits.

honestly, i literally could not understand why the other party was acting so strangely and why they seemed so upset when i was absolutely positive that i was the one who was dejected…

but what i failed to recognize was that i was once again playing the unwarranted victim and everyone else’s reaction to how badly i was treating them was unjustifiable.

and that realization scares the fuck out of me.

how could someone like me, a girl who is typically so in tune with herself and so expressive with her emotions, fail to identify when somebody else was conveying theirs?

just how fucking self-absorbed and out of touch am i?!

most often our moods are likely to be malleable, depending on whom we are with and the situations we are placed in…

one minute we may be as high as a hot air balloon, and then the next, down in the proverbial dumps.

and unfortunately for someone like me, there appears to be very little middle ground…

but at least i am learning to acknowledge it in order to improve myself…

and i believe the key to being successful in that respect is to align myself with things that foster positivity.

an enlightened individual once told me, “don’t ride the highs too high and the lows too low.

so here is to finding the betwixt and between…

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