the new year.

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the new year.in approximately 24 hours, we will have concluded yet another year…

2013 will be just a fart in the wind and all of the memories that we had made will only be remembered through random pictures, relatable posts and romantic walks down anamnesis lane provided by our favorite social media websites.

this past year has not necessarily been a good or bad one for me.

i think i have spent the majority of the last 364 days sort of in limbo…

just kind of being present in the everyday and mentally skidding on through to the next.

basically, i have neither loved it nor hated it…

and being indifferent has become almost habitual.

sure, there have been the usual ups and downs that we all suspect will occur…

and there have been many grandeur changes in the lives of some of the people i care deeply about…

but personally, nothing life altering…

which could be a blessing in itself.

and please do not misconstrue what i am saying…

i am in no way ungrateful nor taking anything i experienced for granted.

however, i am really looking forward to the countdown tomorrow at 11:59 PM…

because at that exact moment, i, along with many others, will be able to wipe the theoretical slate clean and begin anew once more…

and i find that to be absolutely relieving.

so here is to the last few unimportant hours left of two-thousand-thirteen…

i appreciate you and thank you for your abundance of laughs and afflux of lessons.

but 2014, i am fucking ready for you…

in all of your guts and glory, i am ready to succumb to all that you have to offer…

and i can only hope that it will be mostly beautiful.

and i wish that yours will be, too.

Happy Two-Thousand-Fourteen!

see you soon…

 

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the most wonderful time of the year.

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the most wonderful time of the year.i have mentioned before that this is my favorite time of the year…

any time between mid-November until the first of the New Year is just the most gloriously magical, yet equally stressful, couple of months…

but even with all of the hustle and bustle, the perpetual running around and slew of events, nothing warms my cold, dead heart more than the holiday season.

and of course with all of that comes the endless amount of time spent with family…

but unlike most people who find that to be absolutely awful, i am reveling in the fact that i get to hang out with the individuals that i adore the utmost.

when i was younger, there was nothing i despised more than having to stay at home and spend an evening with anyone other than my friends…

obviously when you are an adolescent, you tend to believe that all parental units suck and FOMO and YOLO forever…

but i think that since we are still so immature in that point in our lives, we have no idea just how much more important that kind of time is, as opposed to constantly wanting to be with our peers.

as i have grown older, wiser and gracefully matured, the level of appreciation, love and respect i have for my mother and father has increased dramatically, and i genuinely look forward to the moments that we get together…

that kind of quality time has become the number one priority on my very short list of vitality.

not to mention, my parents are cool as heck, so really, i am only winning in this situation.

therefore, all of those people who dread this time of the year because they have to make time to reconnect with their relatives, i just do not fucking understand their type.

sure, we all go through some shit with our family members at some point in our lives…

and yes, maybe some of it is unforgivable, and in that case, i get it…

but in the long run, they will be the ones who have been there all along…

and to me, that means everything.

so here is to wishing you and yours a drama-free, relaxing and extremely happy holiday season!

enjoy it while it lasts…

love always,

Shekardaneh Claus

 

the ungrateful gobbler.

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the ungrateful gobbler.this is my absolute favorite time of the year!

not because it is chilly (SoCal does not know how to be cold) and cuddling is the only sport i know how to play (snuggling and spooning constitute as competitive athleticism)…

but because layering on more clothing and wearing oversized sweaters gives me ample space to fill out a little more, if you will.

in other words, it is almost Thanksgiving and eating food is something i am exceptionally good at.

for the past couple of years, i have upheld a “tradition” of jotting down certain ‘nouns’ that i am thankful for…

two years ago, my list was pretty generic:

family, friends, significant other, etc.

last year, my list was a bit more unorthodox:

less obvious people, places, things, etc.

therefore this year, i have decided to list stuff that i am unthankful for…

because even the more annoying aspects of life deserve a dishonorable mention.

so please refer to the bullet points below, as i arrange some of the things i can really do without, in no particular order…

  • any type of smokers
  • cheapskates
  • idiots who pronounce Saturday as Sourday
  • Madonna’s veins
  • people who constantly talk about their weight when they are not even fat or overweight

(motherfuckin’shutthehellupppp)

  • perpetual laggers or even worse, ones that do not call when they are going to be late

(tsk-tsk)

  • assholes
  • folks who endlessly whine about being broke/continuously brag about their riches
  • coworkers who still come in to the office when they are deathly sick
  • individuals who cannot spell correctly/lack of punctuation in text messages
  • extremely private people who want to keep everything a secret

(you’re not mysterious, you’re creepy)

  • couples who share social media profiles

(get it together, crazies)

  • someone who is fully capable of doing something, but asks you to do it instead
  • shit sandwich breath, unkempt bathrooms and wheezing coughs
  • people who overstay their fucking welcome
  • bitches

PHEW!

of course, there is soooo much more that i could add, but i am also thankless about complainers.

anyway, enjoy your day/evening of devouring deliciousness and guzzling gluttony…

because you totally deserve it.

[eye roll]

the public persona.

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the public persona.what is it about social media that is just soooo addicting?

i know i touch base on this subject a lot

but i can’t really help it when it is constantly presenting itself to me through various avenues.

(and by “various avenues”, i mean my ‘iPhone’…)

but in all honesty, i have been realizing more and more just how completely public it is…

and no matter how many Privacy Settings and Personal Lists and General Security features you set up, it is inevitable that some of your shit will still be seen by those hidden individuals…

it is on the World Wide Web, after all.

so why is it that with all of that access to our personal information, there are still a ton of people who still insist on publicizing every little aspect of their lives even more?

a few months back, i ran into someone who i had not seen since high school.

as we were ‘catching up’, she mentioned something a tad bit creepy to me…

she said, “is it weird that i feel like i know so much about what you’ve been up to because of your posts on Facebook?

and i awkwardly laughed a little and replied, “well, i don’t post that much.”

(but i kind of do…)

and that sort of made me rethink just how much of my life i want people i’m not necessarily close with to have visibility to.

i have “friends” from all walks of life on my Facebook…

from elementary school and all throughout my educational years, to old teachers and family and coworkers and maybe a few ex’s sprinkled in there, and their family members, to even some persons i actually despise in real life, but i added out of sheer obligation.

i mean, my ‘Friends List’ is fucking chalk full of anyone who has ever even slightly met me or mentioned my name or waved in my general direction…

which is great…

because that is the epitome of what social networking actually is.

but

fuck.

after that enlightening conversation, i decided to retrace and stalk myself for a bit…

i felt more at ease knowing that outside of miscellaneous links to articles and YouTube videos i enjoy, and pictures from concerts/cool places i go to, or photos of my food or my lipstick/nail-polish or humorous text exchanges or my pets or random strangers i capture, and maybe sometimes my extremely opinionated status updates, there really isn’t much to go off of.

sure, you can see where i work and where i went to school and where i live and when i was born…

but i don’t check in places (unless someone i am with does so) and i rarely like pages (unless you are someone important in my life), and i absolutely refuse to broadcast who i am dating or who my family members are by simply adding them to an “About Me” section.

i mean, to this very day, i have quite a difficult time even tagging people i am with in my Mobile Uploads, let alone myself…

but then there are these people who have literally dedicated albums upon albums to their children and their family and their significant others and their birthdays/anniversaries/weddings/anyandeverythingelse EVERY. DAMN. DAY/WEEK/MONTH/YEAR.

my god, we get it!

but Facebook is not Scrapbook…

and to be quite frank, i am sure that more than half of your “friends” have already hidden you from their ‘News Feed’ by now.

so give it a fucking break…

and maybe try sending it privately to the five people who might actually give a shit.

-LOGGING OUT-

the ample affection.

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the ample affection.is love enough?

like, really enough?

i’ve heard conflicting opinions and stances taken on this inquiry, and i must say, for someone who is as much of a hopeless romantic as i am, i’m really starting to question it.

i mean, thanks to the skillful rhyming styles of Destiny’s Child, i know that love can’t pay my Bills, Bills, Bills

not that money has ever been an important factor in the relationships i’ve chosen.

but as much as being in love and staying in love is effortless once you have found the right person, is it indeed sufficient?

are you willing to stay with someone who makes your heart pitter-patter and skip a couple of beats, even if it means having to maybe compromise other things that you once unequivocally believed to be non-negotiable in a relationship?

and if you can find it in your being to look past a certain number of things, will you ever be truly satisfied?

personally, as i have grown older and hopefully matured in my relationships, i have come to realize that some stuff are actually insignificant and too trivial to waste my time caring so much about…

but then again, there are a plenty of deal breakers that i refuse to budge on even if i am completely drowning in love.

of course the things that i value in a relationship are the things that most couples cease to settle on, as well:

  • Appreciation
  • Communication
  • Honesty
  • Openness
  • Loyalty
  • Non-Judgmental
  • Quality-Time
  • Trust

but most importantly, you need to be wholeheartedly happy and content with yourself and your significant other…

obviously, being happy all of the time is absolutely insane, but it should far outweigh the unhappy moments.

being in love is one of the most exhilaratingly fascinating states to be in…

but it can also be the most exhausting, because relationships require effort, time and work.

so in actuality, selecting your lifelong partner is not simply a decision made by your heart…

it is the simultaneous meeting of your brain and your soul.

choose wisely…

the trigger words.

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the trigger words.i get offended a lot…

even though i always act like i generally don’t give a flying fuck (because most of the time i honestly don’t care), just like anybody else, there are certain “trigger words” that send me into a tailspin…

and they can literally cause me to go from Tweety Bird to the Tasmanian Devil instantaneously.

i mean by the true definition, they initiate a process or course of action that is not in the least bit controllable, and is just downright consequential…

and since i can’t fucking help it, whatever happens after that swift 180 degree turn, is the fault of the naysayer.

i am aware of how outspoken i can be…

my quick comebacks, sarcasm, and bitchiness have yet to be matched.

and i also have a very small number of friends in my life who are allowed to practically say whatever the hell they want to me because that kind of truth just keeps us all a little bit humble…

but if i don’t really fucking know you…

or if you’re purposely trying to be a cunt/dick, then any respect i pretended to have for you to begin with will be so quickly demolished, that you’ll wish you had been born a mute.

especially if you have the audacity to question my intellect, knowledge or level of education…

because if there is one thing i take great pride in, it’s the fact that i am most definitely not an idiot.

i mean honestly, how pathetic is it to seek refuge by degrading another’s intelligence?

are you that insufferable?!

and yet, the unfortunate certainty remains that the people who permit themselves to try to belittle and demean and embarrass others, well, they tend to be the most moronic of them all…

so i guess Voltaire was correct, “common sense is not so common…”

dumbass.

the miley media mayhem.

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the miley media mayhem.so unless you have been living some place without cable or internet access…

or if you don’t frequent Facebook, Instagram, MySpace, Tumblr or Twitter…

or if you don’t listen to the radio or don’t know how to read a newspaper…

or if you don’t have friends with mouths…

then you might be maybe one of like seven and a half people who missed the shit show that Miley Cyrus caused during her performance on the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards.

but i’m not going to speak about the crude and classless spectacle she caused while twerking (see: gyrating) all over a married man’s nether regions (Robin Thicke) and simulating masturbation using a foam finger…

[although, if you are interested in my tirade, this is the last thing i posted on my timeline regarding that matter: “we can all agree that it was obviously done for attention… there is no other plausible explanation for her performance other than that. she’s seeking out an unhealthy way to completely disassociate herself from her Hannah Montana/Disney character, and hoping to bring “shock value” to her audience by portraying herself as a raunchy whore with an ‘i don’t give a fuck’ attitude… it’s coming off as more insane than anything else. she seems destructive and unstable (as proven in a number of her actions and choices to date), and although her PR team is reveling in the fact that she is currently the center of worldwide attention, it will fizzle out almost as quickly as it began. in my opinion, not all publicity is good publicity and she is definitely validating that. additionally, she might want to seek medical attention since it seems as though her tongue has lost the ability to stay inside of her mouth. mmk, end rant… bye.”]

however, i have since moved on and would like to address something else that i find to be even more of an annoyance:

the high and mighty assholes who are soooo upset that her act has occupied the media, instead of actual imperative and newsworthy happenings that are currently taking place all over the world.

now don’t get me wrong…

i have no problem sitting down and holding a lengthy conversation over the crisis in Egypt and Syria, the scandal behind the NSA surveillance program, the sentencing of Chelsea Manning, the whereabouts of Edward Snowden, etc.

but just like the people who continuously post about the above mentioned topics on social media, the persons that want to discuss Miley, and/or *NSYNC’s 110-second-reunion, or Taylor Swift’s nonstop bitter-cunt-face are allowed to use the same platform for discussion/expression, as well…

and unless you decide to delete/hide them from your feed, there’s really nothing you can fucking do about it.

so instead of acting like you’re soooo much better because you watch CNN as opposed to the Disney Channel, why not learn to tolerate all sorts of stories and viewpoints?

why not take a little break from the monotony of depressing broadcasts, and realize that some people are more interested in talking about how Ben Affleck is the new Batman, and how Lamar Odom is addicted to crack cocaine, and how North West looks like a chipmunk?

and you know what?

not everything needs to be so fucking serious…

and just because you talk about something ad nauseam, it doesn’t mean that your little retweeted or shared post is going to actually change the world!

and as much as you’re entitled to your own humdrum opinion, how about maybe opening up to the possibility of shutting the hell up once in a while?

because in the grand scheme of things, your shit is no more significant than mine…

and none of us really matter all that much.

so get the fuck over yourself.

mmk, end rant again…

bye!

the grim reaper.

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the grim reaper.i’ve been thinking a lot about death recently…

and i know that that sounds insanely morbid, but it’s true.

it came about a little over a month ago…

i had a completely unwarranted panic attack while i was putting on my wrinkle cream.

well, maybe it wasn’t completely unwarranted after all…

i mean, i was using wrinkle cream.

but nonetheless, i had a moment of obscurity which then led me to fully spiral out of control…

and i became so immersed in these dark thoughts that i actually began to hyperventilate over the inevitability of dying.

i like to think of myself as a typically knowledgeable person…

i usually have an answer for everything and if i don’t, then there are endless hours of Google searches that i know i can always count on.

and while i have never really questioned the process of life, the ending of it has always plagued me with uncertainty.

i have no problem admitting that i have extreme control issues…

i need to know everything.

so not knowing exactly what the heck happens to us after we expire on earth is totally mind fucking me into oblivion…

of course there are theories on the subject at hand:

  • Afterlife
  • Heaven/Hell
  • Nirvana
  • Reincarnation/ Resurrection
  • Spiritual Self

yet most of these hypotheses have been formulated by various religious groups…

and i tend to be more secular.

but even with that being said, none of these premises have been able to calm my anxieties or aid me in better understanding my unavoidable extinction…

and they can basically just be chalked up as assumptions.

and with something as vital and inescapable as mortality, the last thing i would want is to make an ass out of you and me

well, RIP to my sanity.

the buzzfeed posts.

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the buzzfeed posts.so something pa-retty fun happened yesterday…

i became a “Community Contributor” on one of my absolute faaaave sites, BuzzFeed!

of course, it’s no secret that they are literally one of the most glorified websites currently out there…

i mean, even President Obama has mentioned them.

with their witty views and humorous technique of interacting with their huge audience base, they have managed to connect with just about everyone on any specified level…

not to mention how engagingly brilliant their staff writers are.

they have mastered a way with the general population that is not only enviable, but tremendously commendable…

and i feel privileged to have my name somehow associated with them.

i decided to make my first posts “lists”, seeing as how that writing style will forever be synonymous with BuzzFeed in my mind, as well as many other readers, i’m sure…

and i am hoping to one day soon be able to write one of their infamous “long reads” that manage to grasp my attention each and every time.

anyway, i have three lists presently published on there:

  • 11 Moments When Zack Morris’ “Time Out” Could Be Useful In Everyday Life
  • 9 Fool-Proof Excuses To Get You Out Of A Bad Date (As Told By Puppies)
  • 8 Most Memorable Old School McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys

and the can all be found by clicking on the following link:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/shekardaneh

please make sure to share on Facebook, tweet on Twitter, email, Google+ it, link, pin it, react, reddit-it, etc…

but most importantly, kindly “like” my page and my posts because there is nothing more magical than your acceptance.

and as usual, any and all feedback is totally welcome (unless it’s negative)!

jaaay kaaaay…

i’ve built some thick-skin (so don’t worry)…

because feelings only hurt if you have them.

danke schön!

the non-ladies room.

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the non-ladies room.females are fucking gross.

i understand that this is a bold statement and there are a ton of girls out there that may in fact not be completely disgusting…

but in general, i have come to realize that there is a wide array of them that are undeniably deplorable.

i mean like, barbarically boorish and crudely callous…

and all in all, just fucking nasty.

within the last year, i have involuntarily observed the rapid deterioration in manners, etiquette, and overall common decency that one would expect from the more, well, “polished” gender…

the type of socially “correct” conduct that is usually synonymous with a woman has become virtually nonexistent and has been abruptly replaced with a repulsive demeanor that i personally have zero reverence and no patience for whatsoever.

besides the obvious lack of self-respect and self-esteem that has been afflicting us for years, we have added vulgarity and an unapologetic attitude problem to just about every little thing that we do…

and in that regard, i am just as guilty.

however, there is one thing that i unquestionably refuse to partake in…

and this is atrociously appalling bathroom behavior!

i have very low tolerance for odor…

whether it is in the form of bad breath, reeking armpits, or foul-smelling feet, there is very little funk that my precious little nostrils can handle.

and i am sure that i am not alone in this instance…

so why is it that some ladies (and i am using this term extremely loosely) allow themselves to literally go anytime and anyplace and more freely than a baby who has no control over themselves?!

leaving remnants of their ungroomed regions, urine stains, used female hygiene products, unworldly scents, and unflushed toilet paper (and whatever other bowel movements may have occurred in the bowl), is not ever fucking okay!

like, what in the hell is wrong with some of you?!

whatever barnyard behavior you involve yourself with in your own home and personal surroundings, is just that: PERSONAL.

we call them our PRIVATES for a reason, because not everybody needs to see that fucking shit (no pun intended)!

and for the love of god, wash your damn hands!

–  Management