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i often remark on the topic of emotions because it is something that i actually take great pride in…

that is, in having them of course.

to say that i am an “emotional” individual would be an underestimated fabrication…

and as embarrassing as it is to admit this, the magnitude of people in my life who are aware of this less than fun fact about me could easily be summed up in just about everyone i have ever met.

when i was younger, i took an abundant amount of mental notes while watching television shows geared towards impressionable teenagers…

i could actually go so far as to say that they may have sort of assisted in molding my precariously sponge-like brain.

i would rush home from school, turn on KCOP Channel 13, and completely immerse my adolescent mind into episodes of Sweet Valley High

i cannot even express to you just how desperately i wanted to be either Elizabeth or Jessica Wakefield!

(mostly Jessica, because she was the not-so-innocent twin, with a slutty streak who played all the right games and got all the wrong guys.)

needless to say, i craved that sort of confidence.

and accordingly, i began to study what it was that made her such an insatiably desirable catch…

(well, minus the fact that she was one of two ridiculously hot [for the 90’s], blonde twins.)

within each dramatically comedic episode, one thing remained true:

that no matter what crazy adventure (or misadventure) she found herself in, she managed to always keep her composure and never let her true feelings or emotions expose themselves.

so i set out to be just like that; ostensibly cold-hearted and lacking any true sentiment.

i genuinely believed that if i never outwardly expressed how i was feeling and just pretended that i didn’t give a shit, that this would assist me in never actually getting hurt…

or better yet, remaining hurt.

that was until i split up with my first ever boyfriend, who just a few short weeks after our breakup made a statement to me that ultimately transformed my juvenile and injurious way of thinking…

he said, “when we broke up, you acted like you didn’t even care… it was as if our relationship meant absolutely nothing to you and i couldn’t understand how you could be so detached like that.”

and no matter how many times i tried to explain my position on why i reacted (or essentially, failed to react), my reasoning continued to sound even more moronic and absurd.

this is when i finally realized that our emotions are here for a reason.

i had been blessed with the ability to release a smorgasbord of passion and sensation, true emotions and a wide array of feelings…

but because i was so afraid of letting anybody know that they had “gotten to me”, i simply pretended that nothing affected me…

that everything was just fine and dandy in my imaginary world of rainbows, butterflies, cotton clouds and perfectly drawn hearts.

which is why i now revel in the fact that i am this unapologetically sensitive and emotional!

i love that my emotions are so free and liberated…
they allow me to understand how a situation has impacted my soul, my psyche, my core.

because without them, the only emotion i could ever successfully convey would be delusion

and unfortunately, i already have that perfected to a T.