the bawler on a budget.

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the bawler on a budget.there are very few words that i dislike…

being a writer (read: blogger), i am grateful for the abundance of words that are available to me.

and being bilingual makes my appreciation double in size…

but one word that i simply cannot get behind is the “B” word.

and it’s not the one that i have been called numerous times in fits of anger and annoyance…

or even sometimes during moments of enjoyment and exhilaration…

it’s the one that contains two detestable syllables, two revolting vowels, and promptly sends me into a complete tailspin (see: anxiety attack) whenever it is uttered anywhere near my general direction, proximity or vicinity…

and that word is none other than:

BUDGET!

if there is one thing i take remarkably uncalled-for pride in, it is being able to spend my entire paycheck before it even clears via direct deposit…

i mean, i am insanely good at this!

it is one of the few talents i have that i hold very close to my heart…

and wallet.

however, as of late i have begun to notice the backlash that these kinds of irresponsible actions are having…

and i must say, i am in no way pleased by the consequences.

you see, i detest when people say that they are unable to do things or partake in certain activities because they are “broke”…

another ‘B’ word that physically pains me to hear.

at some point, i assume that it has to become an embarrassing excuse to verbalize…

and since i believe that the last time i myself had to use that explanation for missing out on something was sometime around five or six years ago, i really have to get my ass into gear in order to avoid it altogether…

but saving money is soooo hard!

and all of these apps and spreadsheets that are dedicated to aggregating my funds or telling me who, what, when, where, why and how all of my money is allocated, are doing nothing more for me than reminding me of what i already know…

i am quite aware that i have spent well over X amount of dollars on shopping in the last BLANK months…

seriously, why else would my closet look as though it is constantly upchucking?!

but honestly, how do all of these people do it?

i guess my reality check lies in the superpowers of my karmic credit and debit cards…

i just hope to become the hero in this story…

Bam! Pow! Crash! Splat! Kerplunk!

the big three uh oh.

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the big three oh.exactly thirty-eight days ago, i embarked on yet another milestone birthday!

and this was the BIG one…

(well, the biggest one to date…)

the one that rhymes with such alluring words as:

-  Dirty

-  Flirty

-  Purdy

-  Sturdy

(you get the drift of it…)

ahhhh yes, the BIG 3-0!

10,957 days, 262,968 hours, 15,778,080 minutes, and 946,684,800 seconds older…

but who’s counting?!

so like most people my age, i was simultaneously dreaming of and dreading it…

but after spending the entire month of April celebrating its inevitable arrival, i ended up getting over it almost as quickly as it popped up…

and to be completely honest, not too much has changed.

however, i have noticed a few differences that i am not necessarily thrilled about:

-      i have about five actual white hairs… i swear the minute it became midnight, those little fuckers just blissfully sprouted out!

-      i still do not like wine… i was under the impression that when i hit my 30’s, that i would somehow develop an affinity for it, but alas, i was mistaken.

-      i have a single wrinkle over my left eyebrow that is currently wreaking a ton of havoc on my forehead… and it is making me extremely uncomfortable!

-      i have attended an engagement, wedding, or baby shower almost every week… and i am still over here like, well, if you even kind of sort of enjoy it, then maybe you might want to consider putting a ring, string or placeholder on it?

but one thing will remain true no matter how many years pass me by…

i may be getting older, but growing up is never an option.

now, LET THEM EAT CAKE!

the matter of fact.

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the matter of fact.things matter.

they really do…

it matters when someone is nice to you…

or when someone is mean to you…

when someone flashes you an unexpected smile…

or when someone just decides to be a fucking dick for no reason.

because if things didn’t matter, and we constantly felt indifferent, then we would be nothing…

we would have nothing.

feelings would not exist and happiness and sadness would be scarce, if at all present…

days would mesh into nights and sunrises and sunsets would become dreary and humdrum.

and that just fucking sucks.

so realize what you do…

understand that the energy you put out there and the aura that surrounds you…

that it isn’t just your own “personal” thing.

this world does not only consist of you…

the people all around you, whether you know them on any real level or not, they can sense that shit, too.

negativity is defeating.

it brings down anyone in your vicinity…

it fucking engulfs you.

positivity is overbearing.

it lifts you up and gives you an unbelievable high.

it is absolutely magnetic.

but both of these things become exhausting.

so find that balance

be the in-between!

let sadness come and wash over you.

let happiness in with every breath and then let it go.

everything in moderation…

and moderation in moderation, too.

find that comfort zone…

stress the fuck out.

just do shit…

any-fucking-thing and subsequently, nothing-at-all.

because everything is magical…

and everything is insignificant…

and we should be responsible for our own actions, regardless of the outcome.

so let’s take some ownership…

we owe it to ourselves.

 

the negative nancy.

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the negative nancy.i am not typically a very positive person…

to be completely honest, i find those types of people to be extremely annoying…

i mean, there has to be something wrong with them, right?

and i suppose the same could be said about how affirmative people look at say, someone like me…

a person who is maybe a tad more balanced on the emotional spectrum…

kind of, not really?

but how is it that some individuals are constantly content with their everyday lives even if their reality is no more than mundane and routine?

and i am not even trying to be a bitch about it…

i am really just attempting to understand it.

i don’t know if most folks are like me, but i habitually walk around with a cynical and sarcastic attitude…

it is not that i am dissatisfied or ungrateful…

i kind of just don’t care and then tend to care a little too much simultaneously.

it is indifference at its best…

and whenever i want to sort of be ‘upset’ or “woe is me – can somebody please call me the WAHmbulance” about life, those types of people are the absolute hardest to talk to.

look, venting is a thing

it is a mechanism i tend to gravitate towards quite often.

and it sure as hell is a lot healthier than bottling something up and then exploding into a vehement attack…

and most of the time, simply letting it out is therapeutic in itself…

so if i have had an exceptionally vexing moment or hour or a full-on day, i am not looking for someone to resolve my issue or give me words of inspiration and motivation…

i just want a listening ear so that i can freely spew out my cartridge of foul-mouthed ammunition, a la the Exorcist, and then gradually move on from it.

so even though some people will weigh out the pros more than the cons…

and claim that their cups are always half full, even though that idiom doesn’t even make sense because a cup is ALWAYS HALF FULL…

let us all just agree that being consistently complacent is numbingly neurotic, and displaying more than one type of emotion is adeptly acceptable.

everything is going to be A-OK, mmkay?!

the casual cover letter.

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the casual cover letter.i have an exorbitant amount of free time on my hands…

and to be honest, i feel rather fortunate that even though i work nine hours a day, five days a week, that i can still find many moments to kind of just do whatever i want…

at my desk, of course.

it’s not to say that my occupation isn’t mentally stimulating…

well, it isn’t…

but still, any time i mention the kind of company i work at to someone, they become so intrigued and think, “wow, that must be interesting!”

but they are incorrect…

at least to me.

and so i started to think a lot about that…

how people are so quick to assume that because something sounds good, it must be awesome.

or how when someone simply mentions a well-known company to me, i think how lucky they are to be a part of it…

when in actuality, their job could completely suck balls and i would have no idea because i am on the outside looking in.

so why the fuck do we do that?

why does everything look so much better than what we currently have?

i have a lot.

at least that is what i am told…

and compared to many ill-fated individuals, i may seemingly have a fortune…

so believe me when i say that i am in no way ungrateful.

however, there are a number of key things that i still need in order to be satisfied, or at least fulfilled…

and in due time, i believe those too will come to fruition.

but being the complete “millennial” that i am, i don’t have the patience to wait for it…

and i most definitely do not feel that after all of this time, i still have to work towards it.

some may call that being lazy

i just think i’m over it.

so i guess what i am trying to say is that i need a new job.

#hireme

the annual to do list.

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the annual to do list.i purposely waited until mid-January to transcribe my first post of 2014…

mostly because i have been extremely preoccupied doing everything but writing and also because i have been uncharacteristically lazy.

(like honestly, how are there so many hours in a day and so little time to just fucking sleep?!)

however, i am not here to complain less than 31 days into the new year…

i am actually hoping to reduce my griping considerably within the next 11 or so months.

and that is where i once again begin my rather unsuccessful journey into comprising some New Year’s Resolutions…

here’s the thing, i rarely like doing this because failing at anything is not something that i take very nonchalantly…

i mean, if we are our own worst critics than i am like one of those god awful commenters on a political post who counterblows every single remark with brutality and irreversible ferocity.

(basically, i am an extremely sore loser!)

but, just like clockwork, the minute the countdown ended at midnight, i was already conspiring a mental list of what i hope to achieve by January 2015…

and quite surprisingly, i have already been able to check a few off.

so i guess, here we go again:

Shekardaneh’s 2014 “Resolutions” Or Whatever

  • cut out artificiality from my life and that does not only mean food-wise, it means people who are toxic, worthless and venomous
  • don’t eat meat for 30 days AKA ‘Meatless Month’, because i am Beyoncé [currently on day three of thirty!]
  • plan less and become more spontaneous, because although i thrive off of it being a complete control freak and all, that shit can get really exhausting
  • post pictures to my Instagram for my 350+ followers, because they deserve it for being so unnecessarily loyal [already have 20 up, so follow me for a great time: @shekardaneh!]
  • refrain from taking photos of unfortunate people and posting them on my social media sites, because i don’t want to have ugly kids as karma
  • restart my 401K contributions, but just so that i can retire way sooner than later [filled out the paperwork yesterday!]
  • wear jeans for my boyfriend who has consistently, and very nicely, asked me to do so for the last three+ years

and last but not least, live a life that someone would one day want to read about in my book…

happy new year, psychos…

let’s turn these to-do’s into ta-da’s!

the new year.

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the new year.in approximately 24 hours, we will have concluded yet another year…

2013 will be just a fart in the wind and all of the memories that we had made will only be remembered through random pictures, relatable posts and romantic walks down anamnesis lane provided by our favorite social media websites.

this past year has not necessarily been a good or bad one for me.

i think i have spent the majority of the last 364 days sort of in limbo…

just kind of being present in the everyday and mentally skidding on through to the next.

basically, i have neither loved it nor hated it…

and being indifferent has become almost habitual.

sure, there have been the usual ups and downs that we all suspect will occur…

and there have been many grandeur changes in the lives of some of the people i care deeply about…

but personally, nothing life altering…

which could be a blessing in itself.

and please do not misconstrue what i am saying…

i am in no way ungrateful nor taking anything i experienced for granted.

however, i am really looking forward to the countdown tomorrow at 11:59 PM…

because at that exact moment, i, along with many others, will be able to wipe the theoretical slate clean and begin anew once more…

and i find that to be absolutely relieving.

so here is to the last few unimportant hours left of two-thousand-thirteen…

i appreciate you and thank you for your abundance of laughs and afflux of lessons.

but 2014, i am fucking ready for you…

in all of your guts and glory, i am ready to succumb to all that you have to offer…

and i can only hope that it will be mostly beautiful.

and i wish that yours will be, too.

Happy Two-Thousand-Fourteen!

see you soon…

 

the most wonderful time of the year.

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the most wonderful time of the year.i have mentioned before that this is my favorite time of the year…

any time between mid-November until the first of the New Year is just the most gloriously magical, yet equally stressful, couple of months…

but even with all of the hustle and bustle, the perpetual running around and slew of events, nothing warms my cold, dead heart more than the holiday season.

and of course with all of that comes the endless amount of time spent with family…

but unlike most people who find that to be absolutely awful, i am reveling in the fact that i get to hang out with the individuals that i adore the utmost.

when i was younger, there was nothing i despised more than having to stay at home and spend an evening with anyone other than my friends…

obviously when you are an adolescent, you tend to believe that all parental units suck and FOMO and YOLO forever…

but i think that since we are still so immature in that point in our lives, we have no idea just how much more important that kind of time is, as opposed to constantly wanting to be with our peers.

as i have grown older, wiser and gracefully matured, the level of appreciation, love and respect i have for my mother and father has increased dramatically, and i genuinely look forward to the moments that we get together…

that kind of quality time has become the number one priority on my very short list of vitality.

not to mention, my parents are cool as heck, so really, i am only winning in this situation.

therefore, all of those people who dread this time of the year because they have to make time to reconnect with their relatives, i just do not fucking understand their type.

sure, we all go through some shit with our family members at some point in our lives…

and yes, maybe some of it is unforgivable, and in that case, i get it…

but in the long run, they will be the ones who have been there all along…

and to me, that means everything.

so here is to wishing you and yours a drama-free, relaxing and extremely happy holiday season!

enjoy it while it lasts…

love always,

Shekardaneh Claus

 

the ungrateful gobbler.

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the ungrateful gobbler.this is my absolute favorite time of the year!

not because it is chilly (SoCal does not know how to be cold) and cuddling is the only sport i know how to play (snuggling and spooning constitute as competitive athleticism)…

but because layering on more clothing and wearing oversized sweaters gives me ample space to fill out a little more, if you will.

in other words, it is almost Thanksgiving and eating food is something i am exceptionally good at.

for the past couple of years, i have upheld a “tradition” of jotting down certain ‘nouns’ that i am thankful for…

two years ago, my list was pretty generic:

family, friends, significant other, etc.

last year, my list was a bit more unorthodox:

less obvious people, places, things, etc.

therefore this year, i have decided to list stuff that i am unthankful for…

because even the more annoying aspects of life deserve a dishonorable mention.

so please refer to the bullet points below, as i arrange some of the things i can really do without, in no particular order…

  • any type of smokers
  • cheapskates
  • idiots who pronounce Saturday as Sourday
  • Madonna’s veins
  • people who constantly talk about their weight when they are not even fat or overweight

(motherfuckin’shutthehellupppp)

  • perpetual laggers or even worse, ones that do not call when they are going to be late

(tsk-tsk)

  • assholes
  • folks who endlessly whine about being broke/continuously brag about their riches
  • coworkers who still come in to the office when they are deathly sick
  • individuals who cannot spell correctly/lack of punctuation in text messages
  • extremely private people who want to keep everything a secret

(you’re not mysterious, you’re creepy)

  • couples who share social media profiles

(get it together, crazies)

  • someone who is fully capable of doing something, but asks you to do it instead
  • shit sandwich breath, unkempt bathrooms and wheezing coughs
  • people who overstay their fucking welcome
  • bitches

PHEW!

of course, there is soooo much more that i could add, but i am also thankless about complainers.

anyway, enjoy your day/evening of devouring deliciousness and guzzling gluttony…

because you totally deserve it.

[eye roll]

the public persona.

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the public persona.what is it about social media that is just soooo addicting?

i know i touch base on this subject a lot

but i can’t really help it when it is constantly presenting itself to me through various avenues.

(and by “various avenues”, i mean my ‘iPhone’…)

but in all honesty, i have been realizing more and more just how completely public it is…

and no matter how many Privacy Settings and Personal Lists and General Security features you set up, it is inevitable that some of your shit will still be seen by those hidden individuals…

it is on the World Wide Web, after all.

so why is it that with all of that access to our personal information, there are still a ton of people who still insist on publicizing every little aspect of their lives even more?

a few months back, i ran into someone who i had not seen since high school.

as we were ‘catching up’, she mentioned something a tad bit creepy to me…

she said, “is it weird that i feel like i know so much about what you’ve been up to because of your posts on Facebook?

and i awkwardly laughed a little and replied, “well, i don’t post that much.”

(but i kind of do…)

and that sort of made me rethink just how much of my life i want people i’m not necessarily close with to have visibility to.

i have “friends” from all walks of life on my Facebook…

from elementary school and all throughout my educational years, to old teachers and family and coworkers and maybe a few ex’s sprinkled in there, and their family members, to even some persons i actually despise in real life, but i added out of sheer obligation.

i mean, my ‘Friends List’ is fucking chalk full of anyone who has ever even slightly met me or mentioned my name or waved in my general direction…

which is great…

because that is the epitome of what social networking actually is.

but

fuck.

after that enlightening conversation, i decided to retrace and stalk myself for a bit…

i felt more at ease knowing that outside of miscellaneous links to articles and YouTube videos i enjoy, and pictures from concerts/cool places i go to, or photos of my food or my lipstick/nail-polish or humorous text exchanges or my pets or random strangers i capture, and maybe sometimes my extremely opinionated status updates, there really isn’t much to go off of.

sure, you can see where i work and where i went to school and where i live and when i was born…

but i don’t check in places (unless someone i am with does so) and i rarely like pages (unless you are someone important in my life), and i absolutely refuse to broadcast who i am dating or who my family members are by simply adding them to an “About Me” section.

i mean, to this very day, i have quite a difficult time even tagging people i am with in my Mobile Uploads, let alone myself…

but then there are these people who have literally dedicated albums upon albums to their children and their family and their significant others and their birthdays/anniversaries/weddings/anyandeverythingelse EVERY. DAMN. DAY/WEEK/MONTH/YEAR.

my god, we get it!

but Facebook is not Scrapbook…

and to be quite frank, i am sure that more than half of your “friends” have already hidden you from their ‘News Feed’ by now.

so give it a fucking break…

and maybe try sending it privately to the five people who might actually give a shit.

-LOGGING OUT-

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